Ladies, have you had issues getting laid recently? Maybe the problem isn’t you, maybe it’s your terribly tinged labia.

We all know women aren’t nearly as insecure about their bodies as they should be. To help bring the sensitive sex a little closer to being worthless, wobbling blobs of fear, there is My Pink Button –a temporary genital dye.

I know what you’re thinking, “but is a man really going to judge me if my roast beef curtains aren’t tinged a nice medium rare shade?” And the answer, dear ladies, is yes. If you have a man with his head between your legs, he is certain to bolt up and leave in disgust if your vulva isn’t attractive enough.

So take action. At least it tastes great. Who cares if it burns and the only “dye” effect is actually just a result of irritation? It’s all to impress that important man in your life and if he wanted you to cut off your labia, who are you to say no?

Are you so loaded that you no longer even know how to tell the world how much money you have? Well, you could donate a fat chunk to this blog and get a post written all about your rich asshole self, or you could spend it on one of the 7 products Cracked has compiled to help you tell people what a rich dickhead you are. Try the car wash for $11,500, then you can show everyone what a douche you are when it rains and you just pay to get a new one.

With the massive increase in douchebaggery surrounding our society these days, we all knew it wouldn’t be long before I had to get back on this here soapbox.What douchebaggery am I referring to this good evening? Why the bailouts of course.

Any decent asshole would, at least, not advertise their crimes to the people they just stole from. Ah, but these corporate dickwads don’t have the hearts of criminals. They have empty holes where their hearts and souls should be. They tried filling these holes with their money, but the holes were too large. So, they conned the government into giving them our tax dollars to try to fill the gaping holes of their hearts (and the gaping holes in their mistresses).

What was their next move? Why to rub it in our faces of course! Chrysler decided it was a good idea to thank us for letting them steal our money via a full-page spread in both the Wall Street Journal and USA Today. They, of course, also posted it in their blog, which hit the front page of Digg in an hour.  Then, when America collectively said “fuck you, you cum-guzzling, gutterwhore-loving, caviar taco-munching twats,” instead of the “you’re welcome Chrysler” they expected, they pulled the post from their blog so we could no longer be vocal. It’s kind of the equivalent of a bully sticking his fingers in his ears when the boy he just stole from starts calling him names.

As if that wasn’t enough, these companies still want to spend our money advertising to us about products we don’t want. Our friends at Chrysler want to take more money to put product placement in the upcoming Terminator 4 movie -that’s right, not even a fucking good movie! It’s kind of like raping someone after rubbing your cock in mud -did you really need to make the experience any worse than it was already?

Lest you think Chrysler is the only company pulling this kind of bull, just revel in the knowledge that all of these companies are the same. In fact, Citibank has opted to spend over $400 million of the bailout money they stole from us (as if the finance charges on your credit statements weren’t bad enough) on getting a new ballpark named after themselves.

Capitalism, isn’t it grand to see just how fucking ugly the world can be?

It’s election season again, which means all the brainless people that cling to politics so they can sound intelligent are coming out of the woodwork to damage their cause more than help it.
That being said, if you’re going to be a hardcore political person without researching anything to do with your side, you’d better learn how to piss off the most people possible in the process. The method to achieve your goals will vary greatly depending on whether you are liberal or conservative. So pick a side and stick with it…no matter how many times someone proves you wrong.

So let’s start with the liberals.
Liberals are all about the heart and therefore, they believe that anyone who’s with them will agree with their passionate arguments, no matter how little thought went into them. They also agree that anyone against them has no heart and only cares about money. So here are some tips:

1) Annoy Everyone. As I said above, if someone’s on your side, they will always support you and if someone’s not, then they sure will learn their lesson from you. One of the most effective methods of protesting is to build a human wall in a crowded street at rush hour so no one can get to work. That will show “the man.”
2) Pull the _____ card. Whatever the argument, the person is against you because you’re a minority. If you’re Black, Asian, female, gay, Southern, etc., you’d better let everyone know that you know why the opposition is really persecuting you.
3) Cry Nazi! Remember, Nazis are evil! No one likes them. Therefore, calling anyone who disagrees with you a Nazi will automatically discredit them and anything they ever said. And of course, cutting college funding in a time of budget crisis is something that’s totally equitable with genocide. Totally.
4) Anarchy can only help. If you’re upset, you’d better start smashing windows, screaming in the streets and spitting on “the man” no matter what you’re upset about. If the government knows you’re so upset about the war that you’ll smash a Macy’s store window, they’ll have to listen to you!
5) Always have an opinion. No one can respect a liberal that doesn’t have an opinion. So even if you haven’t actually researched the conflict, choose a side and stick to it. Israel versus Palestine –you’d better know who’s side you’re on, even if you’ve never even met someone from that country, let alone visit it.

Conservatives are all about morals. They believe morality is instilled in birth and therefore, anyone who disagrees with them is a fucked up freak who has bad genetics or a twisted mental state. They are huge supporters of the age old “do as I say, not as I do” as evidenced by all the “moralist” senators that get busted having affairs with whores or little boys. So if you’d like to join this crowd, here’s what you need to know:

1) The bible always agrees. No matter what you’re arguing about, be sure to find a passage to support your side. Remember not to actually read the bible though or Jesus’ messages of peace and understanding might clash with your “judge everyone as guilty sinners” point of view.
2) Don’t learn both sides. If someone is debating you, don’t even listen to their side. Surely they won’t say anything worth listening to anyway. Just keep saying your one or two rhetoric statements over and over again.
3) Be above the rules. If the bible says “thou shall not kill,” then you’ve already justified murdering an abortion clinic doctor. After all, Jesus doesn’t care what you do…as long as it’s in his name.
4) Helping someone never helps them. Charity can’t help people. If they’re poor, the best thing for them to do is to go out, clean themselves up and get a job. Never mind the fact that they’re trying to raise 5 children and have no real skills. Welfare and free schooling will only make people worse off.
5) Small government –big control. Always claim to want a smaller government, even when you support wars across the globe, you want stricter drug laws and more police. Somehow, despite spending more and more money for government programs to police America, implementing health care or state-funded educations would be socialism and would mean the government has too strong of a grasp.

Sure none of it makes sense, but that’s how politics works. If you can recite a catchy chant, you don’t need to listen to reason.

Dumb little man has a great list of 12 ways to be a failure at work. I say they’re all pretty dick, so they deffinately belong here.

Let’s face it, everyone has to have friends, if for no other reason than to have someone to back you up when you crossed the line and about to get a beat down from the whole mob of angry soccer moms you just flashed. But as a true asshole, you don’t really like friends, even if you need them. So how do you maintain friends loyal enough to have your back while still giving them no respect whatsoever?

• Make friendships with losers. Insecure people with no one else to turn to will always put up with more bullshit than the average person.
• Be a “stormy weather friend.” Unlike fair weather friends who are only there when the things are going good, only be supportive when things are bad. This way when a person considers their friendship with you and how you’re such a bummer to be around, they’ll remember you’re always there for them when they need you.
• Always joke around. Be sure it’s about your friend’s insecurities, whether that be their job, boyfriend, venereal disease, etc.  If they call you on it, act like you didn’t know they were so sensitive about it and try really hard to make it up to them.
• Tell inside info. If someone didn’t explicitly say something’s a secret, then it’s everyone else’s business. But if they did ask you to keep it a secret, take it to the grave. Again, you want to leave them thinking you still are there for them.
• Make things awkward. If you’re a man, get a crush on your girlfriends who aren’t interested in you. If you’re a girl, flirt with your guy friends like crazy and then act disgusted if they ever say anything remotely resembling a pass at you.
• Expect more. Create a weird dietary restriction and then get upset when your friends eat anything you can’t have. They’re just never sensitive of your needs are they?
• Love their lover. Don’t actually get romantic with their significant other, but try to hang out with that person way more often than you should. When your friend gets upset, say that you were just trying to make him or her feel like part of the group.

What tips do you assholes have on keeping friendships alive with people you hate?

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This link from Boing Boing instructs people in sabotage methods that are strikingly similar to today’s work place managers. Here are my two favorites:

“(5) Haggle over precise wordings of com­munications, minutes, resolutions.
(6) Refer back to matters decided upon at the last meeting and attempt to re-open the question of the advisability of that decision.”

It just gives further proof that all managers today are assholes trying to sabotage our daily lives with bullshit.

Being an internet troll is an addicting hobby of many a internet users these days. But there are so many people doing it that many people are actively prepared to deal with a mediocre troll. To be a successful troll, you need to break past these barriers, offend those who claim to be immune to such things, laugh in the face of “Do Not Feed The Trolls” messages. Here are some helpful tips to enable you to become the internet’s most hated.

1) Start out incognito. The best thing you can do in trolling a community is to explore it a little and give a nice welcome post. If they don’t suspect you’re a troll, you’ll get your hooks in them much easier.

2) Attack Ruthlessly. Never criticize spelling. Everyone’s seen the trolls that complain about improper grammar, and no one respects them. We all know a typo does not mean you have an IQ of 5. Instead, go for the jugular, attack the most popular person on the site by calling them a whore or a liar. You’ll soon start getting everyone in the community rallying to their defense.

3) Make it personal. If you have a picture, focus on the one thing the person must hate about themselves, like pimples or a triple chin. Find out everything you can about them using a google search with their profile info, then write something that directly relates to an insecurity of theirs or a bad moment in their personal lives.

4) Make reasonable assumptions. Saying something about their brother dying won’t mean anything if they don’t have a brother. Instead, if you’re going to make stuff up about their lives, act like professional psychics do. Use generic information that affects most people and apply it to them personally. Most girls these days were abused, go ahead and say something vague about her getting what she deserved. Make her cry and you’ll start smiling in no time.

5) Don’t listen to them. Yes, argue with things they say, but if they are getting repetitive, just start ignoring them. You’ll be amazed how angry someone can get when you don’t care what they type.

6) Don’t forget some shockers. If they are Christian, post aborted baby pictures. If they are vegan, post pictures with piles of dead dogs. Get under their skin. Don’t bother with a video, as they won’t play it if they already hate you.

7) When you’re done, delete your profile. People get sincerely upset when the person they are arguing with suddenly disappear and they can’t get the last word in. Besides, it makes it way easier for you to join and talk shit later on when they won’t recognize you.

Remember, they may think they won the argument, but they never do. In making them upset, you’ve won. Have fun losers!

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Papa Johns wants to fool you into thinking you have pizza.

Mean, yes.

Makes me want pizza, yes.

Good advertising, possibly.

That being said, if I saw someone installing this at my house, I’d probably run outside with a baseball bat -not only for messing with my peep hole, but also for tempting me to order something I already indulge in too often.

Your thoughts?

So if you’re one of those idiots who can’t even bother to pick up after your dog’s crap, maybe you could try training him to shit between parked cars on the street -rather than the sidewalk.

And, if you aren’t going to throw away the dog shit, then don’t put it in a plastic bag. It’s ten times worse to half-way clean up after your dog and leave a non-biodegradable, shit-filled plastic bag on the ground than it is to just leave the dog shit there by itself. At least crap works as fertilizer.

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