With the massive increase in douchebaggery surrounding our society these days, we all knew it wouldn’t be long before I had to get back on this here soapbox.What douchebaggery am I referring to this good evening? Why the bailouts of course.

Any decent asshole would, at least, not advertise their crimes to the people they just stole from. Ah, but these corporate dickwads don’t have the hearts of criminals. They have empty holes where their hearts and souls should be. They tried filling these holes with their money, but the holes were too large. So, they conned the government into giving them our tax dollars to try to fill the gaping holes of their hearts (and the gaping holes in their mistresses).

What was their next move? Why to rub it in our faces of course! Chrysler decided it was a good idea to thank us for letting them steal our money via a full-page spread in both the Wall Street Journal and USA Today. They, of course, also posted it in their blog, which hit the front page of Digg in an hour.  Then, when America collectively said “fuck you, you cum-guzzling, gutterwhore-loving, caviar taco-munching twats,” instead of the “you’re welcome Chrysler” they expected, they pulled the post from their blog so we could no longer be vocal. It’s kind of the equivalent of a bully sticking his fingers in his ears when the boy he just stole from starts calling him names.

As if that wasn’t enough, these companies still want to spend our money advertising to us about products we don’t want. Our friends at Chrysler want to take more money to put product placement in the upcoming Terminator 4 movie -that’s right, not even a fucking good movie! It’s kind of like raping someone after rubbing your cock in mud -did you really need to make the experience any worse than it was already?

Lest you think Chrysler is the only company pulling this kind of bull, just revel in the knowledge that all of these companies are the same. In fact, Citibank has opted to spend over $400 million of the bailout money they stole from us (as if the finance charges on your credit statements weren’t bad enough) on getting a new ballpark named after themselves.

Capitalism, isn’t it grand to see just how fucking ugly the world can be?

It’s election season again, which means all the brainless people that cling to politics so they can sound intelligent are coming out of the woodwork to damage their cause more than help it.
That being said, if you’re going to be a hardcore political person without researching anything to do with your side, you’d better learn how to piss off the most people possible in the process. The method to achieve your goals will vary greatly depending on whether you are liberal or conservative. So pick a side and stick with it…no matter how many times someone proves you wrong.

So let’s start with the liberals.
Liberals are all about the heart and therefore, they believe that anyone who’s with them will agree with their passionate arguments, no matter how little thought went into them. They also agree that anyone against them has no heart and only cares about money. So here are some tips:

1) Annoy Everyone. As I said above, if someone’s on your side, they will always support you and if someone’s not, then they sure will learn their lesson from you. One of the most effective methods of protesting is to build a human wall in a crowded street at rush hour so no one can get to work. That will show “the man.”
2) Pull the _____ card. Whatever the argument, the person is against you because you’re a minority. If you’re Black, Asian, female, gay, Southern, etc., you’d better let everyone know that you know why the opposition is really persecuting you.
3) Cry Nazi! Remember, Nazis are evil! No one likes them. Therefore, calling anyone who disagrees with you a Nazi will automatically discredit them and anything they ever said. And of course, cutting college funding in a time of budget crisis is something that’s totally equitable with genocide. Totally.
4) Anarchy can only help. If you’re upset, you’d better start smashing windows, screaming in the streets and spitting on “the man” no matter what you’re upset about. If the government knows you’re so upset about the war that you’ll smash a Macy’s store window, they’ll have to listen to you!
5) Always have an opinion. No one can respect a liberal that doesn’t have an opinion. So even if you haven’t actually researched the conflict, choose a side and stick to it. Israel versus Palestine –you’d better know who’s side you’re on, even if you’ve never even met someone from that country, let alone visit it.

Conservatives are all about morals. They believe morality is instilled in birth and therefore, anyone who disagrees with them is a fucked up freak who has bad genetics or a twisted mental state. They are huge supporters of the age old “do as I say, not as I do” as evidenced by all the “moralist” senators that get busted having affairs with whores or little boys. So if you’d like to join this crowd, here’s what you need to know:

1) The bible always agrees. No matter what you’re arguing about, be sure to find a passage to support your side. Remember not to actually read the bible though or Jesus’ messages of peace and understanding might clash with your “judge everyone as guilty sinners” point of view.
2) Don’t learn both sides. If someone is debating you, don’t even listen to their side. Surely they won’t say anything worth listening to anyway. Just keep saying your one or two rhetoric statements over and over again.
3) Be above the rules. If the bible says “thou shall not kill,” then you’ve already justified murdering an abortion clinic doctor. After all, Jesus doesn’t care what you do…as long as it’s in his name.
4) Helping someone never helps them. Charity can’t help people. If they’re poor, the best thing for them to do is to go out, clean themselves up and get a job. Never mind the fact that they’re trying to raise 5 children and have no real skills. Welfare and free schooling will only make people worse off.
5) Small government –big control. Always claim to want a smaller government, even when you support wars across the globe, you want stricter drug laws and more police. Somehow, despite spending more and more money for government programs to police America, implementing health care or state-funded educations would be socialism and would mean the government has too strong of a grasp.

Sure none of it makes sense, but that’s how politics works. If you can recite a catchy chant, you don’t need to listen to reason.