Are you so loaded that you no longer even know how to tell the world how much money you have? Well, you could donate a fat chunk to this blog and get a post written all about your rich asshole self, or you could spend it on one of the 7 products Cracked has compiled to help you tell people what a rich dickhead you are. Try the car wash for $11,500, then you can show everyone what a douche you are when it rains and you just pay to get a new one.

So you want to go fast and be in charge, but don’t want someone to follow you home and slash your tires? Here’s how:

Step1

Don’t Tail Gate. Seriously, it’s really not that hard. I see people doing this all the time, WHEN THE LANE BESIDE THEM IS EMPTY. What the hell is their problem?!!!!
Anyway, it’s one thing if you’re on a one lane high way and the jerk in front of you is going way under the speed limit and won’t pull off at the turn offs, but otherwise, don’t be a dick.

Step2

When the person in front of you is changing lanes, don’t try to change lanes in the same lane and zip around them.
Hey, way to almost cause an accident dick weed. Note that you see luxury car drivers doing this more than anyone else….what the hell man?

Step3

When to Use Your Signal. If there’s no one in the lane beside you, f- the signal, but if you’re squeezing between two cars, at least let em know you want in before you start pushing your way through.

Step4

Don’t brake for no reason! If the traffic’s going slow, don’t slam the accelerator and then brake every time you move three inches. Believe it or not, that little pedal on the left responds to pressure, many times if you just tap it, you won’t need to slam the brakes a second later…what a concept jackass.

Step5

Don’t zip around twenty lanes of traffic. Fact, if you’re changing lanes over and over, you’re putting much of your speed into the left or right, making it so your forward speed is not nearly as high. We all need to change lanes sometimes, but those of you who keep switching, don’t deny that you keep miraculously seeing the same car next to you no matter what you do.

If you loved (or hated) this post, get free updates via email or RSS!