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It’s Been A While, But You Need Me

With the massive increase in douchebaggery surrounding our society these days, we all knew it wouldn’t be long before I had to get back on this here soapbox.What douchebaggery am I referring to this good evening? Why the bailouts of course.

Any decent asshole would, at least, not advertise their crimes to the people they just stole from. Ah, but these corporate dickwads don’t have the hearts of criminals. They have empty holes where their hearts and souls should be. They tried filling these holes with their money, but the holes were too large. So, they conned the government into giving them our tax dollars to try to fill the gaping holes of their hearts (and the gaping holes in their mistresses).

What was their next move? Why to rub it in our faces of course! Chrysler decided it was a good idea to thank us for letting them steal our money via a full-page spread in both the Wall Street Journal and USA Today. They, of course, also posted it in their blog, which hit the front page of Digg in an hour.  Then, when America collectively said “fuck you, you cum-guzzling, gutterwhore-loving, caviar taco-munching twats,” instead of the “you’re welcome Chrysler” they expected, they pulled the post from their blog so we could no longer be vocal. It’s kind of the equivalent of a bully sticking his fingers in his ears when the boy he just stole from starts calling him names.

As if that wasn’t enough, these companies still want to spend our money advertising to us about products we don’t want. Our friends at Chrysler want to take more money to put product placement in the upcoming Terminator 4 movie -that’s right, not even a fucking good movie! It’s kind of like raping someone after rubbing your cock in mud -did you really need to make the experience any worse than it was already?

Lest you think Chrysler is the only company pulling this kind of bull, just revel in the knowledge that all of these companies are the same. In fact, Citibank has opted to spend over $400 million of the bailout money they stole from us (as if the finance charges on your credit statements weren’t bad enough) on getting a new ballpark named after themselves.

Capitalism, isn’t it grand to see just how fucking ugly the world can be?


  1. Fucking brilliant! I don’t think I could have typed it any better myself….I suppose that’s what you’re for huh? Thanks for taking the words out of my mouth.

    Wednesday, February 4, 2009 at 10:17 pm | Permalink
  2. Joe Blow wrote:

    Capitalism is not to blame here. If we were truly a capitalist system these jackoffs wouldn’t get any money from us and would be allowed to fail as they should for mismanagement. It’s the socialist aspects of our society that allow these fuckwads to rub their cocks in mud and rape us with them.

    Thursday, February 5, 2009 at 3:46 pm | Permalink

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