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Liberal Douches and Conservative Cunts

It’s election season again, which means all the brainless people that cling to politics so they can sound intelligent are coming out of the woodwork to damage their cause more than help it.
That being said, if you’re going to be a hardcore political person without researching anything to do with your side, you’d better learn how to piss off the most people possible in the process. The method to achieve your goals will vary greatly depending on whether you are liberal or conservative. So pick a side and stick with it…no matter how many times someone proves you wrong.

So let’s start with the liberals.
Liberals are all about the heart and therefore, they believe that anyone who’s with them will agree with their passionate arguments, no matter how little thought went into them. They also agree that anyone against them has no heart and only cares about money. So here are some tips:

1) Annoy Everyone. As I said above, if someone’s on your side, they will always support you and if someone’s not, then they sure will learn their lesson from you. One of the most effective methods of protesting is to build a human wall in a crowded street at rush hour so no one can get to work. That will show “the man.”
2) Pull the _____ card. Whatever the argument, the person is against you because you’re a minority. If you’re Black, Asian, female, gay, Southern, etc., you’d better let everyone know that you know why the opposition is really persecuting you.
3) Cry Nazi! Remember, Nazis are evil! No one likes them. Therefore, calling anyone who disagrees with you a Nazi will automatically discredit them and anything they ever said. And of course, cutting college funding in a time of budget crisis is something that’s totally equitable with genocide. Totally.
4) Anarchy can only help. If you’re upset, you’d better start smashing windows, screaming in the streets and spitting on “the man” no matter what you’re upset about. If the government knows you’re so upset about the war that you’ll smash a Macy’s store window, they’ll have to listen to you!
5) Always have an opinion. No one can respect a liberal that doesn’t have an opinion. So even if you haven’t actually researched the conflict, choose a side and stick to it. Israel versus Palestine –you’d better know who’s side you’re on, even if you’ve never even met someone from that country, let alone visit it.

Conservatives are all about morals. They believe morality is instilled in birth and therefore, anyone who disagrees with them is a fucked up freak who has bad genetics or a twisted mental state. They are huge supporters of the age old “do as I say, not as I do” as evidenced by all the “moralist” senators that get busted having affairs with whores or little boys. So if you’d like to join this crowd, here’s what you need to know:

1) The bible always agrees. No matter what you’re arguing about, be sure to find a passage to support your side. Remember not to actually read the bible though or Jesus’ messages of peace and understanding might clash with your “judge everyone as guilty sinners” point of view.
2) Don’t learn both sides. If someone is debating you, don’t even listen to their side. Surely they won’t say anything worth listening to anyway. Just keep saying your one or two rhetoric statements over and over again.
3) Be above the rules. If the bible says “thou shall not kill,” then you’ve already justified murdering an abortion clinic doctor. After all, Jesus doesn’t care what you do…as long as it’s in his name.
4) Helping someone never helps them. Charity can’t help people. If they’re poor, the best thing for them to do is to go out, clean themselves up and get a job. Never mind the fact that they’re trying to raise 5 children and have no real skills. Welfare and free schooling will only make people worse off.
5) Small government –big control. Always claim to want a smaller government, even when you support wars across the globe, you want stricter drug laws and more police. Somehow, despite spending more and more money for government programs to police America, implementing health care or state-funded educations would be socialism and would mean the government has too strong of a grasp.

Sure none of it makes sense, but that’s how politics works. If you can recite a catchy chant, you don’t need to listen to reason.


  1. Kris wrote:

    [...] I enjoyed this little instruction manual. Everyone cops a serve, just the way that I like it. You might like it too. [...]

    Monday, September 8, 2008 at 8:21 pm | Permalink
  2. Kris wrote:

    Cheers, I enjoyed this very much.

    Monday, September 8, 2008 at 8:22 pm | Permalink
  3. grunger wrote:

    So,I can take it that you lot are a load of anarchist lefties.Do everyone a favour and shut the fuck up.It is bad enough listening to all those scumbag politicians,without you lot spouting bullshit.

    Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 10:09 am | Permalink

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