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Maintaining Friends While Treating Them Like Shit

Let’s face it, everyone has to have friends, if for no other reason than to have someone to back you up when you crossed the line and about to get a beat down from the whole mob of angry soccer moms you just flashed. But as a true asshole, you don’t really like friends, even if you need them. So how do you maintain friends loyal enough to have your back while still giving them no respect whatsoever?

  • Make friendships with losers. Insecure people with no one else to turn to will always put up with more bullshit than the average person.
  • Be a “stormy weather friend.” Unlike fair weather friends who are only there when the things are going good, only be supportive when things are bad. This way when a person considers their friendship with you and how you’re such a bummer to be around, they’ll remember you’re always there for them when they need you.
  • Always joke around. Be sure it’s about your friend’s insecurities, whether that be their job, boyfriend, venereal disease, etc.  If they call you on it, act like you didn’t know they were so sensitive about it and try really hard to make it up to them.
  • Tell inside info. If someone didn’t explicitly say something’s a secret, then it’s everyone else’s business. But if they did ask you to keep it a secret, take it to the grave. Again, you want to leave them thinking you still are there for them.
  • Make things awkward. If you’re a man, get a crush on your girlfriends who aren’t interested in you. If you’re a girl, flirt with your guy friends like crazy and then act disgusted if they ever say anything remotely resembling a pass at you.
  • Expect more. Create a weird dietary restriction and then get upset when your friends eat anything you can’t have. They’re just never sensitive of your needs are they?
  • Love their lover. Don’t actually get romantic with their significant other, but try to hang out with that person way more often than you should. When your friend gets upset, say that you were just trying to make him or her feel like part of the group.

What tips do you assholes have on keeping friendships alive with people you hate?

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