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An Asshole’s Guide To Getting Men

Ladies, have you had issues getting laid recently? Maybe the problem isn’t you, maybe it’s your terribly tinged labia.

We all know women aren’t nearly as insecure about their bodies as they should be. To help bring the sensitive sex a little closer to being worthless, wobbling blobs of fear, there is My Pink Button –a temporary genital dye.

I know what you’re thinking, “but is a man really going to judge me if my roast beef curtains aren’t tinged a nice medium rare shade?” And the answer, dear ladies, is yes. If you have a man with his head between your legs, he is certain to bolt up and leave in disgust if your vulva isn’t attractive enough.

So take action. At least it tastes great. Who cares if it burns and the only “dye” effect is actually just a result of irritation? It’s all to impress that important man in your life and if he wanted you to cut off your labia, who are you to say no?

How to Tell The World You’re A Rich A*Hole

Are you so loaded that you no longer even know how to tell the world how much money you have? Well, you could donate a fat chunk to this blog and get a post written all about your rich asshole self, or you could spend it on one of the 7 products Cracked has compiled to help you tell people what a rich dickhead you are. Try the car wash for $11,500, then you can show everyone what a douche you are when it rains and you just pay to get a new one.

It’s Been A While, But You Need Me

With the massive increase in douchebaggery surrounding our society these days, we all knew it wouldn’t be long before I had to get back on this here soapbox.What douchebaggery am I referring to this good evening? Why the bailouts of course.

Any decent asshole would, at least, not advertise their crimes to the people they just stole from. Ah, but these corporate dickwads don’t have the hearts of criminals. They have empty holes where their hearts and souls should be. They tried filling these holes with their money, but the holes were too large. So, they conned the government into giving them our tax dollars to try to fill the gaping holes of their hearts (and the gaping holes in their mistresses).

What was their next move? Why to rub it in our faces of course! Chrysler decided it was a good idea to thank us for letting them steal our money via a full-page spread in both the Wall Street Journal and USA Today. They, of course, also posted it in their blog, which hit the front page of Digg in an hour.  Then, when America collectively said “fuck you, you cum-guzzling, gutterwhore-loving, caviar taco-munching twats,” instead of the “you’re welcome Chrysler” they expected, they pulled the post from their blog so we could no longer be vocal. It’s kind of the equivalent of a bully sticking his fingers in his ears when the boy he just stole from starts calling him names.

As if that wasn’t enough, these companies still want to spend our money advertising to us about products we don’t want. Our friends at Chrysler want to take more money to put product placement in the upcoming Terminator 4 movie -that’s right, not even a fucking good movie! It’s kind of like raping someone after rubbing your cock in mud -did you really need to make the experience any worse than it was already?

Lest you think Chrysler is the only company pulling this kind of bull, just revel in the knowledge that all of these companies are the same. In fact, Citibank has opted to spend over $400 million of the bailout money they stole from us (as if the finance charges on your credit statements weren’t bad enough) on getting a new ballpark named after themselves.

Capitalism, isn’t it grand to see just how fucking ugly the world can be?

Liberal Douches and Conservative Cunts

It’s election season again, which means all the brainless people that cling to politics so they can sound intelligent are coming out of the woodwork to damage their cause more than help it.
That being said, if you’re going to be a hardcore political person without researching anything to do with your side, you’d better learn how to piss off the most people possible in the process. The method to achieve your goals will vary greatly depending on whether you are liberal or conservative. So pick a side and stick with it…no matter how many times someone proves you wrong.

So let’s start with the liberals. Political Pundicks Read On!

12 Ways to Be A Total Douche At Work

Dumb little man has a great list of 12 ways to be a failure at work. I say they’re all pretty dick, so they deffinately belong here.

Maintaining Friends While Treating Them Like Shit

Let’s face it, everyone has to have friends, if for no other reason than to have someone to back you up when you crossed the line and about to get a beat down from the whole mob of angry soccer moms you just flashed. But as a true asshole, you don’t really like friends, even if you need them. So how do you maintain friends loyal enough to have your back while still giving them no respect whatsoever?
Read On Worthless Piles of Fly Innards. I mean..friends. Read on.

Assholes of 1944: Managers of Today

This link from Boing Boing instructs people in sabotage methods that are strikingly similar to today’s work place managers. Here are my two favorites:

“(5) Haggle over precise wordings of com­munications, minutes, resolutions.
(6) Refer back to matters decided upon at the last meeting and attempt to re-open the question of the advisability of that decision.”

It just gives further proof that all managers today are assholes trying to sabotage our daily lives with bullshit.

How to Be A Successful Internet Troll

Being an internet troll is an addicting hobby of many a internet users these days. But there are so many people doing it that many people are actively prepared to deal with a mediocre troll. To be a successful troll, you need to break past these barriers, offend those who claim to be immune to such things, laugh in the face of “Do Not Feed The Trolls” messages. Here are some helpful tips to enable you to become the internet’s most hated.
Instructions for Being A Douche Below

A Corporate Asshole’s Technique

Fool me once shame on youPapa Johns wants to fool you into thinking you have pizza.

Mean, yes.

Makes me want pizza, yes.

Good advertising, possibly.

That being said, if I saw someone installing this at my house, I’d probably run outFool me twice, I cut you mangside with a baseball bat -not only for messing with my peep hole, but also for tempting me to order something I already indulge in too often.

Your thoughts?

Walking the Dog, Without Being a Cock

It's not prettySo if you’re one of those idiots who can’t even bother to pick up after your dog’s crap, maybe you could try training him to shit between parked cars on the street -rather than the sidewalk.

And, if you aren’t going to throw away the dog shit, then don’t put it in a plastic bag. It’s ten times worse to half-way clean up after your dog and leave a non-biodegradable, shit-filled plastic bag on the ground than it is to just leave the dog shit there by itself. At least crap works as fertilizer.

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